Dang You, Day 1!!!

So I’ve been telling my friends and family for a while now that I’m going to quit smoking. The main reason I haven’t quit and stuck to it (because I’ve quit), is because of the AWFUL side effects of quitting smoking. Seriously, it feels like a lose-lose situation. On the one hand, I can continue to smoke, have zero stamina, and all will be right with the world. Every one will be alive. I just will never go on a jog without keeling over and I’ll continue to be a bad influence on my kids and other kids–because this smoker does NOT condone smoking (hypocrite much?)

On the other hand, I can quit. Quitting gradually has not helped because even when the dependency is gone, the addiction still exists. So while my body may not care, my mind is like, you would SMOKE in this situation. DO IT. I don’t wanna. :/ Quitting cold turkey turns me into Katie Kaboom.

I know you remember her…

On the other hand, I could—oh wait! I only have 2 hands. That’s half my problem. The problem with announcing you’re going to do something is that everyone expects you to be perfect at it. I can only quit for myself. Not everyone else. I can’t quit and be your poster-girl. I can’t quit and talk to your exasperating kids about why you should never start in the first place. I’m not going to the cancer ward to remind myself of what smoking does to my body and read old folks stories simultaneously. That will make me go through a whole pack in 5 minutes. I only have the minute I’m in to decide whether or not I’m going to smoke. I also have Klonopin.

Klonopin is an anti-anxiety medication which should help when I’m feeling especially murderous and need a cigarette. Unfortunately, it seems like Klonopin intensifies the side effects of quitting, but in a calm way. Confused? Let me help you.

When you quit smoking, you are exhausted.  It’s like your body goes into overdrive trying to find any semblance of nicotine it can, and in order to do that, you should probably be asleep. So I passed out all yesterday. Not to mention, Klonopin makes you sleepy the first couple of weeks you take it. So I was a zombie yesterday. It’s not good to be a zombie with a 5 month old.

You sweat. You sweat profusely. Normally, I’d just be lying in bed, drenched in my stinky sweat, praying it’s not time for him to nurse again. The Klonopin told my body in a proverbial hippie voice, “hey, maaan. You’re way too cool to sweat. Just hang out at the pores, and be like, metaphorical, you know?”  So my stupid sweat listened. Have you ever had that feeling? The feeling of sweat wanting to break through, but not being able to. It’ itchy, painful, annoying. It makes me want to smoke.

Then, there’s the mucus. All day long, you walk around with dry mouth and a throat full of curdled milk. Obviously, not really a throat full of curdled milk, but it feels like it. When it gets hocked up into a loogie, you try to spit it out, but this loogie is so voluminous that it doesn’t fly into the tissue or on the sidewalk. It lands on your chin. Or the part of your hand that isn’t covered by the tissue. And while this instance alone is enough to make me rage out, Klonopin is sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, “Hey maaaan. I know that pisses you off. And it should. But looook at it. It’s gross but kinda coool. Take a picture of it.” 
So those are the side effects so far. Sorry for the rambling. It’s just been that kind of day.

**Does anyone know of any helpful tips to make quitting easier?? Leave a comment!**

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