Sorry, it’s been a while. I’ll post at least once a week. I’m still getting used to the new baby. It’s mighty exhausting. I kind of thought that doing it once would have prepared me…I know, I’m silly.
I decided that tonight’s entry is going to be about my boys, how they came to be about and all that. Let’s start with Jermahl, since he was first and all. I spent a lot of my childhood looking for someone to love me. The women in my family seem to have bad luck. My mom was an adopted child. Her family treated her badly so she had kids to build a new family of people that would love her no matter what and vice versa. I (and my younger siblings) was kidnapped, so to speak, when I was little and I never quite felt like part of the family again once I was returned to my mother. I always felt like I needed to prove myself, like I belonged…yet, I resented being made to feel that way so I got in a lot of trouble (mostly running away from home).
When I was 15 years old, I met a boy named Jermahl (17). I thought he was cute. And he was black. I wasn’t really into black guys and my mother didn’t really “approve” of black people. We are all Southeast Asian and Caucasian and her adoptive family was black so…they left a bad taste with her, I guess. Anyway, for me it was the perfectopportunity for some teenage rebellion.
Unfortunately, I rebelled myself into some teenage pregnancy. My mom told me that Jermahl got me pregnant on purpose, that his family wanted a baby that looked like me. I couldn’t believe her because he kept trying to get me to ask my mom for an abortion. She told me I would never forgive myself and she wasn’t allowing me to go through that.Thanks, Mom.
So I had my son via C-section at 16, on July 17th, 2005 (a month after I got my G.E.D). I named him Jermahl D’Angelo White II—I thought it would be cute to name the firstborn son directly after his father. <<Stupid??
I spent years getting cheated on, beat on, talked down to. It was like a bad B.E.T. movie. After I wound up going to jail for him (stealing for food) and being so depressed and defeated, I tried to kill myself, I finally got away. That was the end for me. Baby Jermahl was about 2 ½ by now. I didn’t have much and I didn’t have a place to take him, so he had to stay with his dad until I could get on my feet. The only problem was his dad was douchebag and I was desperate.
Luckily, I fell in love with a guy named Chris. We decided we just had to be together; we would rescue my son from his abusive father and run away to Texas.
That lasted two years. Chris is…a different post???(not post worthy…??). I wound up moving back to VA worse off than before. Sperm Donor #1 decided to take me to court for custody. L When we got to court the judge wanted to get CPS involved and instead of risking having my son completely taken away, I acquiesced to letting him live with his father, since I had nothing to give him anyway.
Fast-forward two years later. Weekend visits, no holidays (everL). No summers. No Spring Breaks. Lots of dating failures (I even gave up the conventional ways and started online dating). Chris got into some trouble in Texas, I went to go visit him (we wound being friends…or so I thought). Hello, baby #2.
I found out I was preggers 3 weeks later. Fast, right?? But I couldn’t tell Chris (he wound up going to jail for 6months). I told his sister and she blocked me out of her life. So here I am, pregnant, just starting to get on my feet, feeling like a BIG, HUMONGOUS, IDIOT. All I could think was that I was going to have to re-arrange my dating profile. LOL.
But seriously, I rearranged my dating my profile (i.e., took down my pic and put that I was pregnant—I also put that I wasn’t looking for anyone to play ‘daddy.’ I just wanted to find love).
I get a very long message from some hot soldier (I LOVE a man in uniform), pretty much saying that I couldn’t expect to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me while I’m pregnant and have a son, and not think he isn’t going to want to love my kids, too. 0.0 And he also wanted to get to know me.
PSYCHO KILLER ALERT.
Honestly, after my long and horrible/comical failed dating life, I figured there’s something wrong with a guy who is this hot, stable, and intelligent and wants to get to know the pregnant chick with no picture. Of course, that meant I had to date him.
The baby shower
Three weeks after Jesse and I started dating, he told me I was his girlfriend (October 1, 2011). About two months later I was officially moved in with him. January 25th, we were officially engaged
(actual proposal)and February 3rd, 2012, we were hitched. One of the happiest days of my life. Very fast, right??
February 17th, enter Judas Riku Jordan Breedlove (“give praise to God even in times of trial and hardship, descend upon and spread love”). A lot of people give me judgy eyes because I named him Judas >.< That’s okay. Because Judas has a beautiful meaning, and Jesus Christ had a brother named Judas, and I’m an UBER Christian and my baby Judas is one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever laid eyes on. My sons are my blessing.
So, Jesse and I are in court now, trying to get custody back of little Jermahl. We go May 14th, and I really just can’t wait until my family is whole. I found the best man ever; I have the greatest two little boys a mom could ask for. When we are all together, my heart will feel complete.
So…that’s what’s been on my mind today.