Merry Christmas Judas

This is honestly the first year I wrapped presents since you’ve been gone. For any reason. I started wrapping jermahls box and as I finished I started to look around for yours, and realized it wasn’t there. It’s never going to be there. I’m so sorry, my love. I messed it all up. I hope you’re still alive. I hope you’re okay, and happy. I hope your Christmas was so wonderful. I miss you with every breath. Until my heart stops , it beats for you and Jermahl. Sometimes it aches so much from the loss of you, I wish it would stop. If there’s a God, maybe he will let us be together again one day. 802597C9-7C4F-4B91-8AA9-A0712BEC5E31.jpeg

Happy Birthday & Goodbye

I feel like I should be healing by now, but I’m not. There is a hole inside of me that I cannot explain. I don’t have any words left for this pain. Don’t watch these videos if you don’t want to. It’s just my pain immortalized. No, I do not think this is private. This is what the world did. It should have to see the product of its chaos.

This is long. This is how I feel. It’s cut up to spare you ALL of the crying.


And yes…Hey Jude…It was his favorite.


Protected: Goodbye World.

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Could You Handle Losing a Child?

Any one that knows me knows me or reads my blog knows how in love with my children I am. So how this could happen…I’ll never fully understand. I’m sorry if this isn’t as riveting or eloquent as I can be, but I have a piece of missing that I cannot begin to describe.

Judas Riku Jordan Breedlove is going to be 3yo on Feb. 17th. He was born into a loving family with a mom, a dad, and older brother, Jermahl.

The day after a domestic dispute between me and my husband, Judas was stolen away from his family. He was never abused or neglected, and even though his mother continously provides evidence from  friends, neighbors, doctors, church members, and his family that he was never harmed, neglected, or ever even in danger of having such things happen, the Superior Dependency Court of San Bernardino and The County Social Services of San Bernardino refuse to send him home.

They have placed impossible stipulations upon his mother, forcing her to combat horrible and unfounded accusations for over a year while dangling him in her face. Jude’s mom has completed all requirements, and then was told it didn’t count and she has to do it again. She no longer has the money to continue this farce and is stranded in another state.

Please help Jude’s mom get from Virginia to California so his family can be reunited with him. This is a Christian family and there was always joy for the boys. 
Jermahl misses being a big brother.

I miss being a mom.

Please help by a donation (even $1 dollar helps) or sharing this blog and the link to the fundraiser. Jermahl and I miss our little Jude so much.

Poor Poor Blog…I’m sorry.

I’ve been neglecting this poor thing. That will change. Look out Saturday!

Hi There, Fatty (that’s me)

So I totally stopped my challenge after 3 weeks. I’d like to blame it ALL on the fact that my body couldn’t take the pain and my physical therapist said I was killing myself along with healing properly, but that was only 50%. Maybe it was like…I don’t know…35%. Because the more dominant 50%-65% was pure laziness. I was like…eff this exercise. I’m tired. I’m hungry. I…have to study the design of the paint on my ceiling. Just excuses, so I’m starting over. It’s going to be less intense because I don’t want my doctor to kill me. Starting on Monday. Go. 

This CANNOT be Happening: 30 Day Squat Challenge Update

So, I’ve been doing really good with my diet and exercise. Or so I thought. I’ve been doing the squat challenge 4 days on, 1 off. I’ve gone down 3 pants sizes. My arms look more toned and I can actually see muscle when I flex. And I can flex for longer than 3 seconds.

I decided to take some follow-up pictures because I’m at the halfway mark. I’m going to put the old pics side by side with the new ones so you don’t have to scroll down.

With all the good results I’m getting, there is one thing that is MORTIFYING me. My stomach  skin is starting to sag, so while my stomach is trimming down, and my abs are building up, the skin is just…there. 😦

Any suggestions on how to prevent what seems like an imminent tummy tuck?

April 25th, 2013130513-175012



It’s looking more formed now. 





Day 3: Ouch!

Okay. So I don’t look any skinnier. But my butt cheeks HURT SO BAD! I decided instead of push-ups I was going to plank b/c it supposedly worked out your entire upper torso.  There’s no “supposedly” involved. I FEEL it. It hurts to laugh because my lower abs/transverse abdominus is burning all day. Every time I move, my abs cry…and so do I. My inner thighs want to kick my butt…but I’m already doing that. If it hurts this bad, I hope that means it’s working.

30 Day Squat Challenge

Kids are hella on the body, as I’m sure many of you know. Before I had Jermahl, I was 109 pounds (which at the time is the most I’ve ever weighed). I went from an A cup to a B/C and put on 47 extra pounds. :/ No biggie. I was young. I figured I could work it off, and I was grateful for the bigger boobs. After a while, though, the boobs went back down to a B. 😦

Fast forward 6 years later, and I’d been working out. I got down from 130 to 117. Same dang boob size. Killer abs were appearing. Then I got knocked up with Jude. Now I am back to 130, and have 34DDD/36E. They are HUMONGOUS! At first I was happy about the boobage, but NOW, I realize that 1) even though I’m okay with my body, I’m still 29lbs overweight for my age/height; 2)the back pain is killing me; and 3) as I work out, my waist gets smaller (-ish) but my boobs are staying the same so I haven’t found a cute semi-form-fitting shirt in a very long while.

So every day I attempt to do a push-up because upper body strength supposed tightens the boobage up, tones the arms and overall exercise makes your whole body skinny. I’ve also decided to do the 30 day squat challenge. So HERE are my before pics. And I’ll keep you updated every so often if not every day. 🙂  BTDubs, this is leaving me horribly vulnerable, so no judging on my fatness please.








Just Checking In

I’m actually exhausted and need sleep super bad, but I promised myself that I’d write every Wednesday and Thursday, so here I am. I hope everyone had fun getting over the hump today! The weekend is almost here!

OH! Good news: Jermahl is getting an award at school on Friday. I have no idea what for (no, they didn’t tell me lol), I think Honor Roll. I love my kid.

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